The Index
Now that's what I call fighting talk
Three handy phrases that will show a team is in fine shape for Cricket's Biggest Contest
Alex Bowden
12-Nov-2010
The Ashes is a battle both on and off the field. On the field you know what to do. Off it, you can rely on this handy cheat sheet. These three phrases will ensure that you sound like a team that is going to win the Ashes.
"Hit the ground running"
In the wake of the 2006-07 Ashes debacle, we commissioned a report into our use of propaganda during the series. It was found that the English players failed to project a confident, positive image while in Australia. After extensive testing we have now developed the perfect phrase, one that expresses confidence and professionalism and also hints at extensive preparation. If you ever find yourself stuck for words, simply indicate that you are going to "hit the ground running" at some point soon.
In the wake of the 2006-07 Ashes debacle, we commissioned a report into our use of propaganda during the series. It was found that the English players failed to project a confident, positive image while in Australia. After extensive testing we have now developed the perfect phrase, one that expresses confidence and professionalism and also hints at extensive preparation. If you ever find yourself stuck for words, simply indicate that you are going to "hit the ground running" at some point soon.
It should be noted that "hit the ground running" trumps "momentum". Interviews with cricketers have revealed that momentum is now incredibly easy to gain and lose, frequently shifting from one ball to the next. The momentum pendulum swings back and forth so rapidly, the only way to gain any kind of advantage is to ensure you are possessed of it even before you begin. In short, you need to hit the ground running. When and where you come into contact with the ground is largely up to you.
Full postInnings defeat? Look on the bright side
A dossier from the ECB's positivity guru, sent to Andy Flower, advises England to keep their chins up no matter what
Alex Bowden
02-Nov-2010
From what I'm reading in the newspapers, things are going well. The team has a sunny disposition and is taking positives where there manifestly aren't any. They're looking on an Ashes tour as being a great experience. Jonathan Trott's looking forward to getting sledged by the Aussies. Stuart Broad can't wait to get some stick off the crowd. I can see that Team England are operating at optimum levels of self-deception.
This is excellent, but most of the challenges are still ahead of us, so I wanted to give you some advice about a few situations you're likely to encounter during the tour. If you confront any of these issues, you'll need to know how you should respond immediately. A false step could lead to negativity in the camp, and negativity spreads like Mark Cosgrove's waist.
Lost baggage
You'll be taking a lot of internal flights while you're in Australia and the baggage handlers might target you. The team shouldn't be disheartened by the loss of their personal belongings. Tell them that it is a clear sign that the Australians are feeling the pressure. Every missing jockstrap is therefore a step towards success.
Full postYou'll be taking a lot of internal flights while you're in Australia and the baggage handlers might target you. The team shouldn't be disheartened by the loss of their personal belongings. Tell them that it is a clear sign that the Australians are feeling the pressure. Every missing jockstrap is therefore a step towards success.
Tweet, score, retire, repeat
Kevin Pietersen's list of must-dos for every up-and-coming international batsman
Ant Sims
17-Oct-2010
Making it as an international batsman can be really tough, but based on the success of his autobiography, Kevin Pietersen has put together a Dummies How To list to help young, aspiring batsmen all over the world.
1. When you start playing cricket, start off as a really average spin bowler and then complain about how you never got picked by your home country because of everything but your horrible bowling.
2. Leave your country and go play cricket somewhere else. Depending on your ambitions, you can aim big and either go for a well-known country or a smaller one like Kenya or Bermuda.
Full postOi, we need some characters over here
The England dressing room is a dull place sans the likes of Freddie. Can some players step manfully up to the plate, please?
Alex Bowden
30-Sep-2010
With Andrew Flintoff and Ryan Sidebottom both having retired from international cricket last week, England run the risk of being short of "characters". Only Graeme Swann does anything to keep them afloat. How could other team members contribute more to make up for this shortfall?
Andrew Strauss
Strauss could definitely make more of his "wing commander" reputation. The addition of a handlebar moustache is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing. This new quirky persona would also demand that he renounce all expressions of emotion. The open-mouthed cheering run from slip is starting to look a bit Baron Greenback these days anyway. Far better to adopt a stately walk before shaking hands with the bowler while sporting a benign yet inscrutable facial expression. Handshakes should be sufficiently evocative to express celebration, commiseration, glee, anger, disappointment and deep sadness at further allegations of match-fixing.
Strauss could definitely make more of his "wing commander" reputation. The addition of a handlebar moustache is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing. This new quirky persona would also demand that he renounce all expressions of emotion. The open-mouthed cheering run from slip is starting to look a bit Baron Greenback these days anyway. Far better to adopt a stately walk before shaking hands with the bowler while sporting a benign yet inscrutable facial expression. Handshakes should be sufficiently evocative to express celebration, commiseration, glee, anger, disappointment and deep sadness at further allegations of match-fixing.
Kevin Pietersen
KP's thirst for love could be far more overt. Doing laps of the ground while waiting to bat, personally introducing himself to each and every fan is an option, but a tent offering free massages pitched on the outfield would be a better effort still.
Full postKP's thirst for love could be far more overt. Doing laps of the ground while waiting to bat, personally introducing himself to each and every fan is an option, but a tent offering free massages pitched on the outfield would be a better effort still.
A code of Tweetiquette
What players should and shouldn't post on their micro-blogging page thingies
Samantha Pendergrast
23-Sep-2010
With players lashing out on Twitter, the ICC, after consulting its member boards, has devised a social-networking Code of Conduct. But simultaneously the Association of Fans Fed Up Of Cricketers' Idea Of Conversation, Which Is Actually Ultra-Lame Blah has also released a similar directive. Unfortunately, the two got mixed up when they were delivered to us. We've organised them by categories, but which is which?
Restaurants
We love them, you love them. Write where you go to eat, how much you eat, what the person at the next table eats, and whether you got a doggy bag for later.
We love them, you love them. Write where you go to eat, how much you eat, what the person at the next table eats, and whether you got a doggy bag for later.
Restaurants are great. But really, unless you had a bowl of rotten snails and puked your guts out and have pictures to prove you were sick as a dog, keep to yourself. A salad and chicken pasta? Hope you choked on them.
Full postCricketing demagogues
Stirring captains' speeches from the past that lifted hearts, soothed nerves and prompted trips to the pub
Alex Bowden
29-Aug-2010
Ricky Ponting's assertion that it was "absolutely possible" for Australia to win the Ashes really got the blood pumping. Here are some other rabble-rousing speeches from down the years.
Queensland v MCC, 1902
On their 1902 tour of Australia, MCC came up against Queensland early on. The state's opening bowlers, Bert Dirtshovel and Mick Bricknails, had fearsome reputations, and the MCC's captain and opening batsman, RGB Lightlyweather, acknowledged this when addressing his team before the match.
On their 1902 tour of Australia, MCC came up against Queensland early on. The state's opening bowlers, Bert Dirtshovel and Mick Bricknails, had fearsome reputations, and the MCC's captain and opening batsman, RGB Lightlyweather, acknowledged this when addressing his team before the match.
"We'll take their blows. We'll bruise and we'll bleed but we will not be cowed. We'll feel the pain and it will spur us on. With our grit and resilience, we'll wear them down. Let them do their worst. Let them rain their blows down upon us. We'll snuff out their fire with stout-hearted bravery and intolerance of pain. Then, when their chests are heaving and their muscles are shot, we'll strike. We'll strike without mercy and we'll rub their faces in the dirt."
Full postExcusez moi
Dog ate your homework? Surely you can do a little better than that
Nishi Narayanan
23-Aug-2010
Graeme Swann's cat-rescue story to get out of a drink-driving charge has inspired us to start a non-profit organisation that helps cricketers come up with excuses so outrageous, people have to believe them. These are some stories that the following players should have used to get out of trouble.
Jesse Ryder: the bar window incident
My bud Peter McGlashan was developing a line of gloves, helmets and pads and wanted me to try his products and then endorse them. I thought if the glove could withstand broken glass, it would do fine against Dale Steyn's bouncers. You know what happened next. Petey didn't want bad publicity for his gloves, so I was forced to make up the booze-fest story. They splashed whisky and vodka on my clothes and my cheeks and told me to slur for the cameras. I didn't know how to since I rarely get drunk, so they told me to imagine Ricky Ponting talking with the rewind button pressed.
My bud Peter McGlashan was developing a line of gloves, helmets and pads and wanted me to try his products and then endorse them. I thought if the glove could withstand broken glass, it would do fine against Dale Steyn's bouncers. You know what happened next. Petey didn't want bad publicity for his gloves, so I was forced to make up the booze-fest story. They splashed whisky and vodka on my clothes and my cheeks and told me to slur for the cameras. I didn't know how to since I rarely get drunk, so they told me to imagine Ricky Ponting talking with the rewind button pressed.
Suraj Randiv: the no-ball to Sehwag when he was on 99
Dilly told me we had gone back to the back-foot no-ball rule from that game.
Full postDilly told me we had gone back to the back-foot no-ball rule from that game.
Dodgy pitches? Try these
Players complain about conditions unnecessarily these days. Things used to be much worse in the old days
Alex Bowden
13-Aug-2010
MS Dhoni blamed a spongy pitch when India were bowled out for 88 by New Zealand. Pitches get far worse than "spongy".
South Australia v Victoria, 1874
After a ferociously hot summer in 1874, what was already a hard, crazy-paved pitch on the first day of South Australia's first-class fixture against Victoria became cracked beyond reason as the match wore on.
After a ferociously hot summer in 1874, what was already a hard, crazy-paved pitch on the first day of South Australia's first-class fixture against Victoria became cracked beyond reason as the match wore on.
As early as the second day, the bowlers' follow-throughs were like extreme hopscotch. By the third day, four balls had been lost in cracks running across the centre of the pitch. On the fourth day those cracks were so large that the batsmen could no longer run and could therefore only score in boundaries.
Full postRun fests? Flat pitches? So last century
There's nothing modern about coma-inducing matches
Alex Bowden
08-Aug-2010
The second Test between Sri Lanka and India saw 1478 runs scored and only 17 wickets taken. People may blame modern pitches, but matches such as this aren't a recent development.
New South Wales v South Australia, 1884
Fred Winsford was famed for the quality of his defensive play. However, having been brought up playing cricket against his brothers on a bowling green, he could only play the forward defensive - high-bouncing deliveries being outlawed by his father, who was chairman of the crown green bowling club in question. As a teenager, playing his first proper cricket match, Winsford had been so excited at finally being able to bowl bouncers that he'd never looked back. His fast bowling came on apace, but his batting was left utterly neglected.
Fred Winsford was famed for the quality of his defensive play. However, having been brought up playing cricket against his brothers on a bowling green, he could only play the forward defensive - high-bouncing deliveries being outlawed by his father, who was chairman of the crown green bowling club in question. As a teenager, playing his first proper cricket match, Winsford had been so excited at finally being able to bowl bouncers that he'd never looked back. His fast bowling came on apace, but his batting was left utterly neglected.
He was good enough to play state cricket as a bowler, but opponents quickly worked out that Winsford couldn't deal with the short ball when he was at the crease himself. This meant a career of low scoring from No. 11, until one fateful day in 1884.
Full postCracking good reads
A few classic cricket titles you may have missed
Andrew Fernando
03-Aug-2010
You've read the reports of a Sachin Tendulkar biography with blood mixed into the pulp of the pages. That's just the latest among many controversial cricket volumes. Here are a few titles that may or may not be hitting bookstores near you sometime in the future.
Lara is a Total Hussey
Michael Clarke's emotional recollection of his rollercoaster relationship with a West Indian batting great, and his eye-opening discovery of how much Lara had in common with his own team-mate, Michael Hussey. The book comes complete with a section in which Clarke tearfully confesses that both men's domineering strokeplay and typical left-handed flashiness makes him bingle... err, tingle.
Michael Clarke's emotional recollection of his rollercoaster relationship with a West Indian batting great, and his eye-opening discovery of how much Lara had in common with his own team-mate, Michael Hussey. The book comes complete with a section in which Clarke tearfully confesses that both men's domineering strokeplay and typical left-handed flashiness makes him bingle... err, tingle.
Fighting Tooth and Nail
Shahid Afridi's biting satire of the ICC's rules against ball-tampering, in which he argues that it should simply be treated as a normal part of getting ahead in the game. Buyers who pre-order will also recieve the Having a Ball DVD, in which Afridi demonstrates several fun, delicious recipes the whole family will enjoy.
Full postShahid Afridi's biting satire of the ICC's rules against ball-tampering, in which he argues that it should simply be treated as a normal part of getting ahead in the game. Buyers who pre-order will also recieve the Having a Ball DVD, in which Afridi demonstrates several fun, delicious recipes the whole family will enjoy.
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