The Index
Ponting-proof sanitary padding for men
And other inventive products cricketers have been clamouring for
R Rajkumar
09-Jun-2011
With all the fuss being made about whether the DRS should stay or go, or how prominent a role Hot Spot* should play in our grey, monochromatic lives, it's time to take a look at a few other technological innovations that have made the wishlists of players and fans alike in recent times.
1. Call-hold for fielders miked-up live to commentators
The message most requested by fielders has been a variation of the following: "Thank you for calling me in the middle of the game. Your call is important to me. I apologise that due to the fact that I am currently running backwards under the ball in the hopes of, oh, I don't know, maybe catching it, I am unable to answer your call. Here at the King's XI Punjab, we value your remarkable persistence. Your call has moved two places up the order in which it was received, even if at the expense of our position in the league having fallen four.
The message most requested by fielders has been a variation of the following: "Thank you for calling me in the middle of the game. Your call is important to me. I apologise that due to the fact that I am currently running backwards under the ball in the hopes of, oh, I don't know, maybe catching it, I am unable to answer your call. Here at the King's XI Punjab, we value your remarkable persistence. Your call has moved two places up the order in which it was received, even if at the expense of our position in the league having fallen four.
2. New, improved Shane Warne replicas
After the success of the delightful, almost life-like android built by a Chinese cybernetics corporation (Japanese cybernetics corporations are so passé) to approximate the looks and bowling of Shane Warne in this year's IPL, emerging Twenty20 leagues the world over are scrambling to order one. "Sure, the synthetic skin has some issues: the colour tone is perhaps a shade too orange, and the plastic-to-imitation-human-tissue ratio a little too high to pass off as even reasonably human, but the rare legbreak the machine produces is alone worth the price," said Lalit Modi, the new commissioner of the IPL - the Icelandic Premier League.
Full postAfter the success of the delightful, almost life-like android built by a Chinese cybernetics corporation (Japanese cybernetics corporations are so passé) to approximate the looks and bowling of Shane Warne in this year's IPL, emerging Twenty20 leagues the world over are scrambling to order one. "Sure, the synthetic skin has some issues: the colour tone is perhaps a shade too orange, and the plastic-to-imitation-human-tissue ratio a little too high to pass off as even reasonably human, but the rare legbreak the machine produces is alone worth the price," said Lalit Modi, the new commissioner of the IPL - the Icelandic Premier League.
There is always a threat. Be that threat
Revealed: the secret project that was responsible for England winning the Cardiff Test
Alex Bowden
03-Jun-2011
England's unexpected innings victory over Sri Lanka was no fluke. The team had spent the early part of the season covertly learning how to snatch wins when they're least expected. The project even had a slogan: "Never relax. There is always a threat. Be that threat." There were two main goals. Firstly, to condition the players to always be on their guard, and secondly, to surprise opponents precisely when they felt most safe. To that end, the England coaching team instructed the players to come up with ways to threaten their team-mates when it was least expected. Here are some of the tactics they came up with.
Jonathan Trott: Connect 4
Trott's scheme was to lull someone into complacency via an interminable game of Connect 4. Roping Eoin Morgan in for a best-of-five match, Trott deliberately engineered a series of dull stalemates. Morgan started to lose interest when one game climaxed without so much as a "connect 3", but as he prepared to slide the last piece into the board to complete yet another two-in-a-row, Trott leapt to his feet and flung a tennis ball into Morgan's forehead with all his might.
Trott's scheme was to lull someone into complacency via an interminable game of Connect 4. Roping Eoin Morgan in for a best-of-five match, Trott deliberately engineered a series of dull stalemates. Morgan started to lose interest when one game climaxed without so much as a "connect 3", but as he prepared to slide the last piece into the board to complete yet another two-in-a-row, Trott leapt to his feet and flung a tennis ball into Morgan's forehead with all his might.
Ian Bell: night threats
Bell hired a friend to make phone calls to his team-mates' rooms in the middle of the night. Relaxed to the extent that they were asleep, players would wake with a start at the ringing of the phone, and upon answering would be greeted by vicious death threats.
Full postBell hired a friend to make phone calls to his team-mates' rooms in the middle of the night. Relaxed to the extent that they were asleep, players would wake with a start at the ringing of the phone, and upon answering would be greeted by vicious death threats.
Deeply drippy
Cricket has a noble tradition of players leaving bodily fluids on the pitch
S Aga
25-Mar-2011
Superman Yuvraj Singh retched and heaved by the side of the wicket during his hundred against West Indies earlier this week. Which brought to mind other instances where players deposited liquids on the playing area
Blood
After he was rudely felled by a Shoaib Akhtar special in Lahore in 2003, Gary Kirsten collapsed to the ground and proceeded to bleed profusely. Whereupon Shoaib ran up, concerned, and cradled the fallen batsman in his arms, considerately letting Kirsten drip onto him. Runner-up: Mike Gatting, who left a fair amount of the red stuff all over the place (and a significant portion of his nose on the ball) after a Malcolm Marshall bouncer crashed into his face in 1986.
After he was rudely felled by a Shoaib Akhtar special in Lahore in 2003, Gary Kirsten collapsed to the ground and proceeded to bleed profusely. Whereupon Shoaib ran up, concerned, and cradled the fallen batsman in his arms, considerately letting Kirsten drip onto him. Runner-up: Mike Gatting, who left a fair amount of the red stuff all over the place (and a significant portion of his nose on the ball) after a Malcolm Marshall bouncer crashed into his face in 1986.
Sweat
There are players who glow and players who sweat. And then there's Rahul Dravid, off whom it drips in rivers, pooling on the pitch, creating a sticky wicket. All the better for him to display his teeth-gritted defensive skills on.
Full postThere are players who glow and players who sweat. And then there's Rahul Dravid, off whom it drips in rivers, pooling on the pitch, creating a sticky wicket. All the better for him to display his teeth-gritted defensive skills on.
The truth about Shoaib (and some lies)
When it comes to the man all-too-soon to be formerly known as the Rawalpindi Express, reality is stranger than fiction. We put together some facts and untruths. Which of these is which?
S Aga
18-Mar-2011
1
A. Once said, "Today Lahore, tomorrow the world."
B. Once said, "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away."
C. Once said, "It is more important to work hard for tomorrow not the day after tomorrow."
A. Once said, "Today Lahore, tomorrow the world."
B. Once said, "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away."
C. Once said, "It is more important to work hard for tomorrow not the day after tomorrow."
2
A. Once said, "I'm madly in love with my motorbike."
B. Sparked a bidding war between Airbus and Boeing, who both wanted to sponsor him after they saw his airplane celebration routine.
C. Once said, "I drive a Rolls Royce cause it's good for my voice."
A. Once said, "I'm madly in love with my motorbike."
B. Sparked a bidding war between Airbus and Boeing, who both wanted to sponsor him after they saw his airplane celebration routine.
C. Once said, "I drive a Rolls Royce cause it's good for my voice."
3
A. Limps on field because he's a method actor.
B. Coloured his hair green to prove his commitment to the country after a PCB panel questioned his loyalty.
C. Has an accent that incorporates Australian and South African with slivers of Creole and Irish.
Full postA. Limps on field because he's a method actor.
B. Coloured his hair green to prove his commitment to the country after a PCB panel questioned his loyalty.
C. Has an accent that incorporates Australian and South African with slivers of Creole and Irish.
Why England lost to Ireland
The harsh truths, conveniently assembled in a list
Alex Bowden
03-Mar-2011
England are still suffering an "Ashes hangover"
While it might seem like it's been long enough now that the victory down under shouldn't affect the team, in reality the Ashes hangover doesn't officially expire until January 2012.
While it might seem like it's been long enough now that the victory down under shouldn't affect the team, in reality the Ashes hangover doesn't officially expire until January 2012.
Misplaced positives
England took the positives from the tie with India, but can't for the life of them remember where they put them. Matt Prior thinks Andrew Strauss left them in a taxi but doesn't dare say so. Tim Bresnan is convinced he saw them in the hotel bar a day or so ago, but can't be certain about this because the light wasn't good.
England took the positives from the tie with India, but can't for the life of them remember where they put them. Matt Prior thinks Andrew Strauss left them in a taxi but doesn't dare say so. Tim Bresnan is convinced he saw them in the hotel bar a day or so ago, but can't be certain about this because the light wasn't good.
They confused the bowling plans for Niall and Kevin O'Brien
When Niall O'Brien arrived at the crease, the stump microphone picked up the sound of someone saying: "I thought he was right-handed?" England had prepared as if Niall were Kevin and Kevin were Niall. Protestations from Kevin's Nottinghamshire team-mate Graeme Swann were dismissed as "mischievous banter".
Full postWhen Niall O'Brien arrived at the crease, the stump microphone picked up the sound of someone saying: "I thought he was right-handed?" England had prepared as if Niall were Kevin and Kevin were Niall. Protestations from Kevin's Nottinghamshire team-mate Graeme Swann were dismissed as "mischievous banter".
Don't win it for Sachin
It's not just about Tendulkar. Here's a list of people and causes India can win the World Cup for
Nishi Narayanan
21-Feb-2011
An Indian newspaper has titled its World Cup campaign, "This time for Tendulkar". We think there are some more deserving people and causes that the Indian team could win the World Cup for this year.
For the Indian government
The last couple of years have been hard on the people who rule this country. They have shuffled their feet and mumbled incoherently through telecom scandals, separate state/nation demands, and galloping inflation. So, please Team India, win the trophy so the government can carry on being useless without having to explain itself to a nation too busy rejoicing.
The last couple of years have been hard on the people who rule this country. They have shuffled their feet and mumbled incoherently through telecom scandals, separate state/nation demands, and galloping inflation. So, please Team India, win the trophy so the government can carry on being useless without having to explain itself to a nation too busy rejoicing.
For Ravi Shastri
"The men in blue came to the party by defying the odds and won this game of glorious uncertainties by putting their best foot forward in the crunch time. This is what separates the men from the…" Oh shut it. Even the Verbanator will have something original to say if Tendulkar lifts the trophy at the Wankhede.
Full post"The men in blue came to the party by defying the odds and won this game of glorious uncertainties by putting their best foot forward in the crunch time. This is what separates the men from the…" Oh shut it. Even the Verbanator will have something original to say if Tendulkar lifts the trophy at the Wankhede.
Coming to a screen near you
Why hasn't cricket had any great films made about it? Here are some that could fill that vacancy
Anand Ramachandran
11-Feb-2011
While other sports have had great movies made about them (soccer has Escape to Victory, horse racing has Seabiscuit, athletics has Chariots of Fire, basketball has, er, Space Jam), cricket is yet to get the one true blockbuster that immortalises the sport on the silver screen. And before you ask, no Lagaan doesn't count, because it is less about villagers trying to win a cricket match than about Aamir Khan trying to win an Oscar.
However, all is not lost. While clearing out cupboards to make space for those cute World Cup mascot toys, we discovered a bunch of old, rejected film scripts that are all about cricket! Now to find a producer gullible enough to invest in one of them, and we may yet have the first great cricket movie of our times.
TitanICC
A gripping action drama about how a clueless captain and crew struggle to save a sinking ship - a metaphor for the ICC and ODI cricket. As the HMS TitanICC inches towards its date with the ocean floor, the captain and crew swing into action to try and save it from what seems to be inevitable doom - by sitting around, sipping champagne, and coming up with cockamamie ideas such as asking the crew to wear neon pajamas, painting the hull green, and insisting to everyone that plunging to the bottom of the sea in a big boat is an enjoyable experience, and great value for sponsors. Strangely nobody seems to even try to plug the gaping hole in the side of the boat, which, to a casual observer, looks suspiciously like the cause of the problem. Starring Kate Winslet as Jacques Kallis, Edward Norton as Nathan Hauritz, Kirti Azad as Kapil Dev, T Rajender as Dougie Bollinger's hairpiece, and Chirayu Amin as the Invisible Man.
Full postA gripping action drama about how a clueless captain and crew struggle to save a sinking ship - a metaphor for the ICC and ODI cricket. As the HMS TitanICC inches towards its date with the ocean floor, the captain and crew swing into action to try and save it from what seems to be inevitable doom - by sitting around, sipping champagne, and coming up with cockamamie ideas such as asking the crew to wear neon pajamas, painting the hull green, and insisting to everyone that plunging to the bottom of the sea in a big boat is an enjoyable experience, and great value for sponsors. Strangely nobody seems to even try to plug the gaping hole in the side of the boat, which, to a casual observer, looks suspiciously like the cause of the problem. Starring Kate Winslet as Jacques Kallis, Edward Norton as Nathan Hauritz, Kirti Azad as Kapil Dev, T Rajender as Dougie Bollinger's hairpiece, and Chirayu Amin as the Invisible Man.
Flippin' mad
Why have coin tosses, where luck decides who gets to bat or field first? Let's bring some skill, endurance, knowledge and hand-eye into it, shall we?
Deepak Gopalakrishnan
16-Jan-2011
Even the staunchest supporters of tradition would agree that randomly tossing a coin is a rather unfair way of determining who gets to do what first in a cricket match. While in football it's merely a matter of choosing sides, in our game, with all its dependencies on the pitch, weather, the previous night's rain, and in the case of the IPL, the morning's hangover - the toss could, in the words of the wise Ravi Shastri, make or break the match. It's about time someone came up with a few alternatives to the toss, to fully eliminate the matter of chance. We at Page 2 propose a few.
A buzzer-style quiz What better way to ensure that captains know their cricket? Imagine Dhoni and Smith, fingers on buttons as the match referee looks at a little card and reads out, "So who was the last Indian batsman to score a century at Lord's?" Apart from ensuring the smarter captain gets to call, it also means TV channels get to market a whole new segment. Bishan Bedi, who berated Virender Sehwag for not knowing who Pankaj Roy was, would approve.
Bidding 'Tis the flavour of the season. First it was the TV ad slots, then the players. This method will ensure countries that have painstakingly earned money from the game over the years are justly rewarded. What's the point of having these upstart Associates with no glorious histories - or even their own "best of" cricket shows (the horror!) - getting to call?
Full postGoing once...
What IPL franchises can offer to players other than loads of lolly
Samantha Pendergrast
08-Jan-2011
Recession gave even millionaires a reality check that money don't buy everything. So on Friday, the IPL franchise owners had an emergency meeting with the BCCI to offer other incentives to players on the auction list. Here's what they decided on:
Kevin Pietersen Apart from a container truck to load his ego in, a communication device so cutting edge that it converts hissy-fit tweets into Oscar-acceptance speeches.
Before: f@^!&** toads spent 1 mill on me. I am worth s***loads more aftr sngle-hndedly winning #Ashes
Full postBeer with us
Australia's latest selection has opened up a can of worms or is it a can of...?
Samantha Pendergrast
16-Dec-2010
The way Australia are making their selections, Michael Beer is going to be picked soon enough. And when he does, there are going to be puns flying about like flies at the Gabba. We hope this list gives us a headstart
If Beer succeeds
Ponting on a high after Beer success
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