024

Fans are strongly advised against going up to Shane Warne and asking, "Hey Warnie! Why is Dmitri Mascarenhas spending all his time playing drums for the Chennai team when he should be playing for the Royals?" The bodily injury that will follow may exceed that which ruled Mr Mascarenhas out of IPL 3.

023

Fans are requested, in the interests of their own safety, to refrain from making disparaging comments about Yuvraj Singh on internet forums, blogs, Facebook and Twitter. He might just have a lot of time on his hands once the league stages are over, and he may hunt you down.

022

One way to get through the mind-numbingly boring middle portion of the IPL league stages is to entertain yourself by indulging in less painful activities such as self-flagellation, amateur surgery, or watching Justin Bieber videos.

021

The IPL would like to issue an official caution against trying to assemble a replica of Sanjay Dutt's hideous Gamemaster costume using parts salvaged from your dad's old car, mom's old sewing machine, and your Meccano set.

020

Kindly reduce the volume on your television whenever that advertisement featuring Akshay Kumar's maniacal laughter appears - to avoid the possibility of your neighbours calling an exorcist.

019

If last year's closing ceremony was any indication, IPL TV viewers are advised to expect such delights as lip-syncing gone wrong, stadiums being plunged into darkness, and a dance performance by Lalit Modi.

018

New IPL fans take note: Saurabh Tiwary is the new MS Dhoni, Shilpa Shetty is the new Preity Zinta, and Ajit Agarkar is the new Ajit Agarkar.

017

Fans planning to purchase a new TV to enjoy the IPL games are advised to buy a nice, large screen, wide enough to comfortably accommodate images of huge things, such as the Eden Gardens, the DY Patil Stadium, and Yuvraj Singh.

016

People following the IPL on Twitter must be prepared to hear the same joke repeated hundreds of times under different hashtags.

015

Purist fans who are offended by the presence of Bollywood in the IPL, thank your stars that it's Shah Rukh Khan, Shilpa Shetty and Priety Zinta, and not Tushaar Kapoor, Sherlyn Chopra or Rakhi Sawant.

014

Due to the increasing frequency of injuries to top players, IPL fans had best get used to watching boring second-string players, such as George Bailey, Palani Amarnath and Sreesanth.

013

Fans following IPL matches on YouTube would do well to remember the glory days of Doordarshan telecasts in India during the 80s, in order to mitigate the annoyance caused by sudden picture-freezes, final-over blackouts, and the curious concept of watching matches "deferred live".

012

Amateur cricketers looking to improve their strike-rates using the Mongoose bat take note: in such endeavours, it is greatly helpful if you go by the name of ML Hayden or AJ Symonds. Your results may vary.

011

When Angad Bedi appears on screen, viewers with high blood pressure are requested to take a deep breath and remember that his father took 266 Test wickets with exquisite left-arm spin and bowled India to some memorable wins. So calm down and exercise control - just like Bedi snr did.

010

Youngsters watching the IPL broadcast are advised not to imitate the unorthodox strokeplay of Yusuf Pathan, the unusual bowling action of Dirk Nannes, or the limited vocabulary of Shilpa Shetty.

009

The well-prepared IPL fan always keeps a few anti-nausea pills handy, to tackle possible vertigo and queasiness caused by all those swooping, low-angle shots of Lalit Modi near the team dugouts.

008

In order to avoid missing any of the action on-screen, fans are advised to stick to meals that are instant, consumed quickly, and lack lasting value - just like the IPL itself.

007

Fans are advised to prepare for KKR matches by exposing themselves to imagery of Bappi Lahiri, Lady Gaga and Captain Vijaykanth for hours at a stretch, to avoid possible retinal damage from the KKR uniforms.

006

In case you don't find the slam-bang hitting, glamour and glitz of the IPL entertaining or exciting enough, you can always follow the antics of the PCB for guaranteed hi-voltage entertainment - even more unpredictable than Twenty20.

005

IPL fans must learn to anticipate unexpected, and even shocking, events - such as KKR leading the table, and Preity Zinta gleefully hopping up and down in a demure salwar kameez.