The league will be plunged into crisis when the dedicated eight-member team in charge of updating Lalit Modi's Twitter feed are all simultaneously knocked out of commission by carpal tunnel syndrome.

The world's first live-action episodes of Celebrity Deathmatch will be filmed in the stadiums during innings breaks, as a revenue-enhancement measure. First up: Shahrukh Khan v Preity Zinta in a puddle of mud.

Thanks to advances in technology, television viewers will be able to listen to Laxman Sivaramakrishnan's commentary the way it is meant to be heard: with an underlay of Carnatic instrumental music.

Unseasonal summer rain forces the IPL to December, where it clashes with the Ashes. After much negotiation with Cricket Australia, Lalit Modi announces five franchises will be sent to play a Test each against Australia. England will be asked to stay at home.

After hefty fines for slow over-rates don't prove to be a deterrent, the IPL authorities decide to try something new: snip an inch of hair for every over bowled late. Mumbai immediately announce Saurabh Tiwary will captain for their next three games.

After six months of intensive study, McKinsey will present their one-point strategy for turning KKR's fortunes around: getting rid of the shiny synthetic-fabric uniforms.

Vijay Mallya's son Siddhartha takes over the Bangalore franchise, and in a bid to inject youthful vigour into the team, he decrees all players sport out-of-bed hairstyles. Manish Pandey wonders how to change in-bed look into an out-of-bed one. Virat Kohli fumes because now it'll look like he's conforming.

The window for the IPL will be so large, it will require eight trillion litres of detergent to clean.

Shilpa Shetty will have rancid caviar smeared on her face in an ambush by members of the Remember Ravindra Jadeja Coalition, who breach security at one of the after-parties.

In the final, a team co-owned by Prince Harry, Prince, and Prince Michael Jackson, the Pondicherry Princes, will defeat a team with "Kings" in their name.

Billionaire publisher Hugh Hefner will buy a franchise. Their opening game will be sold out, with fans hoping to see Playboy-bunny cheerleaders. Shane Warne will put in a request for a transfer to Hef's team.

Ravi Shastri will forcibly be relieved of control over his vocal cords, thanks to action brought against him by Amnesty International, citing torture and malicious abuse.

To reaffirm their ties to their state and thereby bond better with their fans, Kolkata Knight Riders will wear red uniforms dotted with images of Jyoti Basu formed of clusters of sequins.

Cheerleaders will be replaced by life-size, all-action holograms of Lalit Modi.

The MCC, after dithering over buying an IPL franchise, will finally decide instead to invest in grassroots cricket in England. Six months later it will file for bankruptcy and ask the government for a bailout package.

The makers of a TV-top device to replace every instance of "DLF Maximum" and "Citi Moment of Success" on the commentary with the sound of wind chimes will make it to the Forbes rich list for the second year running.

Pakistan players will finally return to the IPL - but only as mid-innings entertainment. Afridi will set a record for most balls chewed in a minute and Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif will fight a cage match.

Lady Gaga, by then a washed-up Las Vegas-touring has-been and thus eligible for the purpose, will perform at the closing ceremony.

The IPL-YouTube deal will be dissolved after a video is anonymously posted to the site of Shilpa Shetty, Shahrukh Khan and Preity Zinta attending a Cricket-for-Dummies course.

Following on from the joyous reception for the dog interludes in the 2009 and 2010 tournaments, an orchestrated pitch invasion by a team of pink poodles will be the centrepiece of the opening ceremony.