The seven habits of highly effective fans

1. Send an anonymous tip to airport authorities regarding possible swine flu among the Indian team contingent. Getting them quarantined will be much more satisfying than breaking a few windows.

2. Hold a press conference. Have all aggrieved Indian fans stand on a stage behind Bishan Bedi, who will read out a hand-written letter telling the players what a bunch of wusses they are for not staging a walkout to protest the short-ball barrage by England.

3. Don't bawl or cry foul murder when reporters stick their mikes into your faces asking for reactions. Be cool. How do I feel now that India have exited the World Twenty20? A little constipated, but I think that's the Chinese takeout from last night.

4. Threaten to support England in the next tournament in that country. The concept of English grounds being filled by thousands of fans cheering for England is bizarre enough to mess the minds of the Indian players so much that they'll need John Buchanan to explain it to them.

5. Invite the players to parade in an open-top bus through the streets of Mumbai as a we-forgive-you gesture. If they survive the ride in the city's monsoons, organise a function for them to watch their post-match interviews where every "obviously" and "of course" is replaced by the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

6. Spread a rumour through the press that Shahrukh Khan plans to buy the whole team for his franchise. If the thought of playing for Kolkata Knight Riders doesn't depress them, the fear of fakeiplplayer leaking all their dirty secrets will surely get to them.

7. And finally, do as Gandhi would. Boycott products endorsed by cricketers. Don't buy shampoos, soaps, cellphones, colas, water, satellite TV, motorbikes, cars, clothes, electricity, chocolate, chips, air conditioners and refrigerators. That leaves books and maybe air. A refreshing and uplifting lifestyle. The Mahatma would approve.