Sami's self-defence

I had a car crash recently in Lahore. My friend made fun of me.

My friends are always making fun of me. The team psychologist once told me that's why I bowl fast. The team physiologist said I bowl fast because of fast-twitch muscles . My local holy man told me it was all because of a grand design.

It is confusing being Pakistani. Everyone has an opinion and it is never the same opinion. Forget why I bowl fast - maybe this is why I bowl badly.

Anyway, this friend who makes fun of me said that my bowling itself was a car crash. He said my run-up was all Alfa Romeo: smooth, beautiful and ergonomic perfection. Then I got to the wicket about to hit top speed. And then I crashed and burned for another five wides.

My other friend said the metaphor was a good one because, like an Alfa Romeo, my bowling had unfailing steering alignment. Dead straight with no deviation. Except for very late in an innings, like late in the car's life, when I sometimes veer to the right. He said I need a mechanic. The first friend disagreed and said a bad driver in an Alfa Romeo was worse than a good driver in a Suzuki Alto.

A third friend was about to say something when I said we should do a runner because things were turning nasty with the guy whose car we had crashed into. This other friend then said, "The other car is like an opposing batsman. Due to your waywardness, it will drive you for an expensive…" And then I gave him a low uppercut to the stomach, like I do to the air in my too-rare celebrations.

They are always talking metaphor and poetry in Lahore. I am from Karachi. This is another reason people criticise me. A fast bowler from Karachi is like America having a black president. Some people will never get over it. Punjabis control everything in Pakistan and everyone knows this. Maybe the only people who don't know it are Americans, though they maybe need to know it the most.

Only a few days ago I read that my former strike partner Shoaib Akhtar has called me weak in the head. This made me upset. But then I saw that later in the article he also said I had been unlucky. That was nice of him. And that is true.

One day all the luck I am owed will flow down in one swoop. The selectors, men who appreciate the infinite justice of the gods, must know this because they keep picking me every few years. I guess I will keep being selected until I start bowling deliveries four yards down leg that hit giant worms that have suddenly appeared from under the surface of the pitch, diverting the ball on to middle stump. It is only a matter of time.

I have been dropped from the team countless times. But my team-mates have dropped catches off my own bowling 20 times for every time I have been dropped. In Australia two years ago, on the very first ball of my 34th comeback, one of the Akmals put me down. Sometimes I would like to put them down. I will leave that for Shoaib Akhtar. He has the head for it.

Some people say I storm in with no plan and bowl very fast and hope for the best. But what is so wrong with that? Take my opposite reflection: someone who trots in and has a masterful strategy and bowls steadily and is three balls ahead of the batsman. Someone like that guy who was recently in jail for selling out the country.

Calculation is no good thing for a sportsman. What kind of person would take a bunch of men with sticks and balls jumping and bending on a big field seriously? Everyone knows men in white trousers are jokers. People don't like me because I remind them that all this, this silly game, is only really suitable for kids.

Or at the most, teenagers. Look at my haircut. The lengthy side-parted thatch of greasy strands curling down to shoulder length - as sported by every 14-year-old-Pakistani who sees himself as a hero in waiting. These are my brethren, the youth of Pakistan. They are the only hope. Imran Khan also says this, so I can't be wrong.

I have been called a hero-in-waiting for over a decade now and I am tired of it. Has anyone else taken hat-tricks in all three forms of the game? I am a hero, full stop, and if you don't agree with me I'll just have to put it down, once again, to an absence of luck.