Crikileaks

In a Page 2 exclusive, we reveal a secret cable from the murky offices of the Pakistan Cricket Board. It appears to be the minutes of a presentation by new batting consultant Javed Miandad, delivered to the team in a state-of-the-art multimedia centre. But before we hail progress within Pakistan cricket, please note that other cables indicate the multimedia facilities are mostly used to screen reruns of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, a film highly popular with Younis Khan, Salman Butt and Kamran Akmal, in no particular order.

The minutes read as follows. (Please keep this quiet. Having miraculously avoided libel charges during its short, glorious history thus far, Page 2 would be miffed with a sexual misconduct case).

JM announced straightaway there would be no net sessions during his short tenure. He said the team never listened to him during nets, despite his high-pitched pleas, which become exceedingly high-pitched even by his high standards. JM said instead they would be watching the world's best teams in action and learning from the video footage. He said they'd have three TVs on side by side: Australia v England, South Africa v India, and in adherence to the ICC's Test rankings, the third screen would display a still of a bikini-clad Sri Lankan beauty queen.

JM twirled his moustache at this point, a gesture pregnant with meaning and nostalgia.

JM then pointed to the match in Centurion. He emphasised the importance of winning the toss, and how MS Dhoni is not a good captain because he is a terrible tosser. JM said it is imperative that tossers in the Pak team be utilised. In a rant that may or may not have been connected, JM then lambasted the selectors for dropping his nephew, Faisal Iqbal.

Watching Sachin Tendulkar score his 50th Test century, JM said the Little Master was now "the greatest batsman ever, hands down". Umar Gul suddenly put his hands down. JM told Gul if he stopped being such a chamcha he might bowl better. As JM rhapsodised about Tendulkar's back-foot drives, Umar Akmal fake-coughed to express his indifference. JM asked, "Who did that? Who is showing such disrespect?" Nobody owned up. This exasperated JM so much that he phoned Justice Qayyum and ordered an inquiry.

Moving on to the Ashes, JM was reminded of something when he saw the English No. 3. He turned on Wahab Riaz and said: "You think you're a tough guy, don't you? Handbags at tea time with that Jonathan Trott and now you're the new Javed Miandad? Let me tell you what it takes to be Javed Miandad. You start on Dennis Lillee in Australia, that's what it takes to be me. I took on that lunatic in his pomp and came out without a scratch."

JM twirled his mustache at this point, a gesture pregnant with meaning and nostalgia.

Watching the English wickets fall, JM said that Mitchell Johnson was his sort of cricketer, as he was at his best when he really hated his opposition. JM said this was a good attitude and worked well for him personally against India and England many times. JM was asked by a young newcomer to the side how he managed to manufacture these feeling of hostility. JM ordered the player to go on a diet of bigoted Indian politics and bland English food, and said he would soon have a bellyfull of hate.

JM now started telling a story about hitting a last-ball six in the desert to win a final that changed relations forever with a fierce rival. The younger players in the room started to fidget, wondering why this strange old man was telling pseudo-biblical stories.

Realising he was losing his audience, JM then said that the woman on the third screen was fit.

JM twirled his mustache at this point, a gesture pregnant with meaning and nostalgia.

Coming back to fitness, the team suggested to JM that he introduce some new respiratory exercises. Apparently they had seen the South African team doing something similar. JM nodded in agreement and invited the team to breathe in the pure Lahore winter air. Nice and slow and deep. And then exhale, releasing all fear, all pain, all anxiety. All were at one with themselves. JM was about to repeat this slow intonation when suddenly he burst into a frenzied scream, his voice like a hyena in heat: "What do you think this is, you pack of vaseline-palmed, bed-wetting, nudging-nurdling pansies? You think this is Pilates? Yoga? A mini-break for bourgeois couples?" JM then instructed them to get out of this glorified TV room and do 20 laps of Gaddafi Stadium.

JM twirled his mustache at this point, a gesture ...

(At this point the secret cable comes to a premature end, leaving us to make wild guesses at what the final line might have been.)