The Emotionotron
Optimise your feelings for the IPL with this nifty little gadget
Anand Ramachandran
12-Apr-2010
Has the overload of IPL games forced you into a state of dazed stupor? Do you find yourself watching the matches in a forced, mechanical way, with no excitement or joy? Do you find yourself wishing that the IPL would just end, so that you can get on with other things? Well, unless you're Ness Wadia, we can help you. The Emotionotron is a radical new device that can directly influence your brain into feeling the entire gamut of emotions that the IPL's marketers want you to feel when you're following the tournament. Just wear it like you would a regular hat (albeit a really heavy one), and enhance your IPL experience like never before.
1. Hope Amplifier
Though hope springs eternal, the IPL can really stretch its limits. But never fear - the Emotionotron delivers the right signals directly to your brain, so that you actually begin to hope for near-impossible things, such as Kieron Pollard justifying his paycheque, MS Dhoni ditching his "team balance" theories and actually picking his best bowler, and the boundary ropes being pushed back a wee bit, so that commentators don't mistake forward short leg for long-on.
Though hope springs eternal, the IPL can really stretch its limits. But never fear - the Emotionotron delivers the right signals directly to your brain, so that you actually begin to hope for near-impossible things, such as Kieron Pollard justifying his paycheque, MS Dhoni ditching his "team balance" theories and actually picking his best bowler, and the boundary ropes being pushed back a wee bit, so that commentators don't mistake forward short leg for long-on.
2. Perspective Field
If, like the IPL organisers, you find yourself beginning to believe that the IPL is going to be bigger than the FIFA World Cup and other absurd exaggerations, just slip on the Emotiontron and feel your perspective returning. Wear it long enough, and you may even begin to notice that the tournament is only popular in approximately... er... one country.
If, like the IPL organisers, you find yourself beginning to believe that the IPL is going to be bigger than the FIFA World Cup and other absurd exaggerations, just slip on the Emotiontron and feel your perspective returning. Wear it long enough, and you may even begin to notice that the tournament is only popular in approximately... er... one country.
3. Righteous Indignation Nullifier
Are you easily offended by things like cheerleaders, beer at stadiums, and things written on the bowler's run-up area? Do you think Twenty20 is an abomination, and yearn for "real cricket", as played by stalwarts such as Chris Tavare, Mudassar Nazar and BS Sandhu? Just turn up this dial and you'll find yourself able to tolerate things that would make even a Buddhist monk's blood boil - such as Boria Majumdar arguing with NS Sidhu in the presence of Arnab Goswami.
Are you easily offended by things like cheerleaders, beer at stadiums, and things written on the bowler's run-up area? Do you think Twenty20 is an abomination, and yearn for "real cricket", as played by stalwarts such as Chris Tavare, Mudassar Nazar and BS Sandhu? Just turn up this dial and you'll find yourself able to tolerate things that would make even a Buddhist monk's blood boil - such as Boria Majumdar arguing with NS Sidhu in the presence of Arnab Goswami.
4. Value Rationaliser
One touch of this button and you'll no longer think IPL tickets and merchandise are exorbitantly priced. Just a few minutes of using the Value Rationaliser and you might even be willing to pay a ridiculous Rs 12 a minute to chat with the likes of RP Singh or JP Duminy, or even bid for that atrocious IPL painting, which looks eerily like a scene from a cricket-themed Gulliver's Travels.
One touch of this button and you'll no longer think IPL tickets and merchandise are exorbitantly priced. Just a few minutes of using the Value Rationaliser and you might even be willing to pay a ridiculous Rs 12 a minute to chat with the likes of RP Singh or JP Duminy, or even bid for that atrocious IPL painting, which looks eerily like a scene from a cricket-themed Gulliver's Travels.
5. Memory Wipe
Even we have to admit that there are some things about the IPL that need to be completely erased from memory. This Men in Black-inspired feature will make sure that you completely forget the existence of some of the more horrifying memories from this year's IPL - such as the Feroz Shah Kotla pitch, S Badrinath's innings against Kings XI Punjab, and that hideous photograph of Lalit Modi dancing with some Celine Dion lookalike.
Even we have to admit that there are some things about the IPL that need to be completely erased from memory. This Men in Black-inspired feature will make sure that you completely forget the existence of some of the more horrifying memories from this year's IPL - such as the Feroz Shah Kotla pitch, S Badrinath's innings against Kings XI Punjab, and that hideous photograph of Lalit Modi dancing with some Celine Dion lookalike.
Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at bosey.co.in