Cook out: the full inside scoopy scoop

Speaking from the team's one-day international headquarters (a Premier Inn outside Nantwich) an England cricket spokesman delivered the following address about the latest debacle to befall the 50-over outfit.

"People inside cricket, thank you for coming. I will make a short statement about Alastair and then take some questions, which I will then ignore.

"Alastair wanted to stress that leading the England 50-over side was one of the most prestigious jobs in social work, not to mention sport, and he feels very privileged to have been a part of something quite special.

"The thought of no longer being there to give a Finny or a Stokesy a sympathetic pat on the back after they've bowled their 83rd wide is a tough one.

"And Alastair is devastated that he will no more have a front-row seat to watch Belly make one of his trademark sparkling 21s before holing out to mid-off.

"To think that he has knocked on James Tredwell's hotel room door to tell him he's been dropped for no reason for the last time… well, it's very sad.

"Never again will Cooky be able to take the positives from a 157-run defeat to Sri Lanka or promise the nation that the boys will be working harder than ever to put this disappointing performance against Guatemala behind them. Someone else will be looking on the bright side going forward.

"Alastair wanted to stress how many wonderful memories he has had with the ODI team. A highlight was definitely that match he was banned for recently, and also that time when Paul Downton gave Alastair his full backing.

"But ultimately, the team must come first and while we will miss Alastair's determined and brave fronting up to the media, it will now be up to Eoin to make apologies on behalf of the team.

"We're all hoping that Eoin will be creative and dynamic in the excuses he comes up with. This is an exciting time to be apologising for England 50-over cricket and we are all behind the captain 135%, at least until the time comes for us to be 162% against him.

"As for Alastair, he is looking forward to spending some time with his sheep and recharging his batteries for three months or so. Obviously he's devastated not to be leading the boys to face Mitchell Johnson on a quick, hard pitch, or retrieving the ball from the streets around the SCG against de Villiers and the like.

"Instead he will have some well-earned time off before the gruelling trip to the Caribbean to take on the finest Test cricketers the region has to offer who aren't currently on strike or otherwise engaged making a few quid at the Afghanistan Big Boom T20 extravaganza."

"Any questions? No? Good."