Future Shock: the Pakistan version

The shock appointment of Misbah-ul-Haq as Pakistan captain follows years of heart-quickening and soul-destroying surprises for followers of the team. What else might we expect in the future? What should we be ready for? Perhaps hearing the bad news now will ease the pain and prevent heartbreaks and heart attacks. Perhaps not. Either way, you heard it here first. And last (we hope).

PCB sends delegation to the West Indies for joint seminar on "The Art and Science of Running a World-Class Cricket Board".

Danish Kaneria boasts of a new mystery ball. Rejects claims that maybe he should learn the stock legbreak first.

Shahid Afridi weds Angelina Jolie. Star allrounder says she will be his second wife. Star actress says Brad is no match for Afridi's wrong'un, and that she much prefers the oriental exoticism of "Shahngelina". Rumours that she will practise purdah plunge red-blooded men across the world into depression.

Imran Farhat fills vacuum to become Pakistan batting coach. Says unprecedented role as player-coach will not affect his outstanding form.

Rana Naved, Shoaib Malik and Mohammad Azharuddin are selected for Pakistan after PCB continues un-banning spree. Former Indian captain Azhar says everyone's a winner. Sania Mirza says, "Yay!" Rana Naved says, "New hair, new man. I am Samson in reverse." Younis Khan says nothing.

After England decide not to extend an invitation to Pakistan again, and the UAE's dustbowls fail to attract sufficient supporter interest, Pakistan confirm that they will now play their home matches in North Korea. Familiarity with dictatorships, dynastic politics and kimchi given as reasons.

Mohammad Amir blows the whistle on cheating team-mates. Most shocking revelation is that Kamran Akmal is not a match-fixer. He's actually that bad.

Ambitious Pakistan players scramble to apply to world's leading business schools after general consensus is that Misbah's MBA is the only identifiable reason for his captaincy appointment.

Mohammad Sami and Shabbir Ahmed announce comebacks. Both cite Shoaib Akhtar as inspiration.

Sami retracts comeback after claiming he never really retired in the first place. Cites Mohammad Yousuf as inspiration. Shabbir Ahmed retracts comeback after complaining nobody remembers him. Cites himself as inspiration

Shoaib Akhtar and Veena Malik reveal they are an item. Shoaib says he's still the fastest man in Pakistan. Malik says she's the fastest girl. Everyone agrees.

Selectors' claims to be "dummies" proved to be literal after they are exposed as mannequins at press conference when irate journalist gets physical after "no comment" line is maintained.

Influential religious scholar says Pakistan fans should stop complaining, as Ijaz Butt is merely God's way of balancing the world after he sent us Imran Khan.

Pakistan face another scandal as Mohammad Irfan is shown to be wearing stilts, and in reality is just a very average 5ft 11in man with a big head. Fans say they don't know if what they're watching is real anymore. Commentators say Pakistan cricket is a circus.

Saleem Malik appointed "Head of Moral Guidance" for the Pakistan cricket team.

Abdul Razzaq confirms he has gone blind. Says he's amazed nobody noticed, since his eyes look really funny when he runs up, he's only had one batting shot for the past five years, and he fields, well, like a blind man.