India hogs the spot-fixing action

The ECB and Cricket Australia, in a joint statement, have accused the BCCI of using its financial clout to monopolise the global match-fixing and spot-fixing industries, depriving the cricket fraternities of England and Australia of their share of the action.

The rather bewildering statement, signed by the heads of both boards, reads: "India has always used money power to bully the cricketing nations into favouring the subcontinental power bloc. Now they're using this influence to ensure that the majority of match-fixing happens purely in India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka, depriving honest fixers in the rest of the world the opportunities they deserve. We cannot sit idly by and watch India take over the match-fixing calendar, using brute financial muscle to get things done their way.

"Australia and England have always maintained that the spirit of cricket is more important than money, and we stand strongly by our principles. We will fight to defend the spirit of match-fixing and will not allow money to taint the integrity of this fine business.

"We strongly feel that match-fixing and spot-fixing should be done in the right spirit, with all being forgiven after the game, and everyone - players, bookies, punters, ACSU officers - sitting down and sharing a beer afterwards."

BCCI officials have, understandably, scoffed at the suggestion. "Just like we denied the existence of match-fixing in the first place, we deny this also. The English and Australians are just envious that India is the world's biggest cricket market. They cannot tolerate the so-called third world nations being so successful at anything - be it cricket or match-fixing," said a BCCI official. "In fact, one is closely linked with the other, no?" he winked.

Apparently the ICC is facing the prospect of another rift, with the BCCI, SLC and PCB refusing to agree to a joint proposal put forward by the ECB and CA for a mutually agreed Future Match and Spot Fixing Tour Programme (FMSFTP). Oddly, bookmaker and businessman Mazhar Majeed has offered to resolve the impasse, claiming that he could get several officials from both sides to do exactly as he said. Officials from both sides, in a rare show of unity, denied this vehemently - inadvertently proving him right.

Meanwhile, an international cricketer (who did not want to be named) has told a TV channel (which also did not want to be named) that he intends to retire from international cricket in order to focus on his spot-fixing commitments.

In an interview to the channel, the player (we may refer to him as Sankalesh Jimmy), said, "With so much cricket being played, it's difficult to devote time to quality spot-fixing, let alone match-fixing. So I've decided to prioritise and focus on what's important to me. It's time to hang up my boots so that I can dedicate all my energies to being the best spot-fixer I can be."

When the TV reporter asked him how he could indulge in spot-fixing when he wasn't going to be playing any cricket, the player replied "Oh. Silly me. Didn't think of that. Maybe I'll retire from spot-fixing as well, in that case."

The interview was unexpectedly cut short when the player's phone began to ring and a number of rather large and irritable men appeared at the door.