The immoveable Mr Butt

Compared to Ijaz Butt, previous Pakistani dictators look lightweight.

We got rid of them all, eventually, but it seems nothing can dislodge Mr Butt. He's been in charge for almost a year and a half now, a year and a half of incompetence, lies, blunders, nail-biting, back-biting, ball-biting, and worst of all, for some unfortunate Sri Lankans, the biting of real live bullets.

The fact is, Pakistanis care much more about cricket than democracy, making Butt's staying powers all the more amazing. A year and a half as a useless chairman of the PCB is equivalent to a decade and a half as a useless leader of the government. Butt is more durable than any of the Generals: Musharraf, Zia, and even our first one, Ayub Khan. It's official.

There's no doubt that Butt is his own man in every way. Even the resolute Musharraf had to give up his uniform, but Butt refuses to change out of that ill-fitting grey-brown suit. Reports he was once seen in a tan linen number are obviously wild rumours with no basis in fact, and I bet one could trace their scandalous origins to Javed Miandad. Let's face it, the chairman just doesn't give a damn. Talk to the hand cos the Butt ain't listening.

You've got to give it to him, the man's as fearless as Viv Richards and Shahid Afridi rolled into one. I once saw Butt thud around Karachi airport without any security. The 80s autocrat General Zia was eventually assassinated, but nobody would ever touch Butt. There'd be no point. He'd survive a nuclear holocaust. Perhaps he's our secret weapon for a future war.

Ayub was toppled by a six-month popular revolt but the best we can do for an uprising against Butt is form a parliamentary standing committee. We don't even have the will power to sit the man down: he will not be moved, and we know it.

Mr Butt, I salute you. You are here to stay. There's nothing we can do...

...except one thing. The word is, Butt slept during a meeting last week. People, listen up, getting to the chairman when he's unconscious may be our only hope. If the chance comes again, do not let it pass. Pick him up (this may require manpower), carry him out (serious manpower), thank him for the memories, and then, please, for the love of God, let's get on with putting together a decent cricket team.

(If you were expecting me to end with a gag, please refer to match reports from the recent Australia tour. The whitewashes were one thing - actually two things, and three if we include the solitary Twenty20 - but Afridi munching on the ball really took the biscuit. Things are beyond a joke. Or they are a joke I don't get. I mean, biting the ball, on live TV, twice? Something tells me there are bigger, deeper problems in Pakistan cricket than Ijaz Butt, but you gotta start somewhere. Over and out.)