Cooky and Belly take charge

Concentrating hard, Alastair Cook sewed a captain's armband onto his England whites. Ian Bell stood patiently next to him, pins in his mouth.

"It's good, this new leadership regime," said Bell. "Who would have thought, a few months ago, that I would be Assistant Acting Captain?"

"Assistant to the Acting Captain, Belly," said Cook.

"Same thing, innit?" said Bell. "Mr Flower said I done really well in South Africa and the bad people with the notebooks..."

"The press?" said Cook.

"Yeah, them," said Bell. "They says we are now seeing a much more mature Ian Bell than the talented but mentally fragile player that was so frustrating earlier in his earlier career. I says it's down to all the boxing training I done with Security Operative Colonel Reg Dickinson Brackets Territorials."

"Maybe I should try it," said Cook. "Is it statesmanlike? For a Captain to do boxing, I mean."

"I dunno about that," said Belly. "But Colonel Dickinson beats the living daylights out of me if I play a bad shot, and I have to put my hand up and say that the prospect of getting my head kicked in really focuses the mind 125 or even 130%."

"I'm not sure it befits a player of my position, to have his face smashed in by a member of the lower orders in the name of physical conditioning," said Cook.

"Remember when you first came in the team and Flintoff and Harmison debagged you and locked you in your own kitbag for 24 hours?" said Bell.

"There'll be none of that disruptive nonsense now I'm in charge," said Cook. "They forced me to drink cider, you know. This is going to be a new, sensible mature era, like under Straussy but with more chanting of Mr Gooch's mantras every day before practice."

"Mr Goochie's what?" said Bell.

"You know: a healthy body means a healthy mind, never hit it to the off side, moustacheliness is next to godliness, all the things he has drummed into us," said Cook.

"Oh, I wondered what all that weird mumbling was," said Bell. "I thought we must have got Monty back in to show us all how to do an interesting TV interview."

"Hmm, that's one thing that's definitely going to change around here," said Cook. "Swann's always hogging the TV interviews, making his little jokes with Nasser and talking about his Twittering. That should be the role of the Acting Captain."

Bell nodded blankly. Some pins fell out of his mouth.

"I tell you what, Belly," said Cook. "Take a letter. Let's suggest to Mr Flower that Swanny is rested for the Bangladesh tour to give some other, more statesmanlike individuals a chance to shine on the telly."

"Right you are, Acting Boss," said Belly. "I'll get the crayons."