Take your filthy hands off our sport

The new year in Pakistan started with a bang after a suicide bomber did his thing at a volleyball game in Lakki Marwat. So far the death toll is 91.

Okay, this might be a stupid question, but how stupid are the Taliban?

Let's get this straight. Volleyball. A sport. A sport! (Well, sort of. I always thought the game a bit lame, but then I admit I've been overly affected by those flamboyant beach scenes from Top Gun.)

Take it from me, a young male living in Pakistan: there is nothing to do here other than sport. Watching it, playing it, talking about it. Nihilistic mass murder is not very nice, but doing it at a sporting venue is like pissing on a grave: it's really, really personal.

I hear that some guys are devoted to their families, some eat three dinners out of sheer boredom, others drive around all night adjusting their hair, and the odd few make ridiculous claims to have girlfriends. And everybody has that one friend who's been studying those thick GMAT books year after year. Since he's never taken the exam, we can only assume he does it for kicks.

But for the rest of us, sport is the salvation: the healthy alternative to overdosing on kebab rolls, the more pleasant option to visiting one's senile uncle, the blow-up doll where there's no girlfriend.

And especially cricket.

The killjoys have always had it in for the people's game. Back in the 1980s Dr Israr Ahmed, a religious leader, submitted a petition to General Zia calling for a ban on cricket in the media. He claimed that cricket was a "game for eunuchs, which wastes the nation's time". I'm not sure about the first part (Shane Warne, Viv Richards, Imran Khan are by all accounts, erm, equipped) but the latter he got spot on, and that's the point: it's not essential; it's a cheap luxury, it's just a bit of fun.

Incidentally the good doctor also thought that Imran rubbing the ball on his trousers was a frightfully bad thing, as it made the ladies admire a little more than his line and length.

Pakistanis love sport. They worship cricket. Men, women, children, and whatever category eunuchs fall into. It's our relief, but at the same time we live it and breathe it: you could say it was our religion - if you didn't live under blasphemy laws.

Anyone who attacks sport is attacking Pakistanis. Plain and simple. As obvious as a Danish Kaneria googly (unless you're from New Zealand).

The last year was an awful one for Pakistan. This one couldn't have started worse. But today I have hope: it is Monday and there is cricket on the streets, our Test team seems to be winning in Sydney, my girlfriend (I really have one, honest) is looking forward to her weekly volleyball game, and I myself am attending an international boxing tournament in Karachi.

There's always talk about "not letting the terrorists win", but when it comes to Pakistanis and their sport, it's no contest: the terrorists don't have a hope in hell.