Goochie checks in

Several England batsmen were whiling away the afternoon playing Call Of Duty: Modern International Cricketer 2 on the PlayStation. Performances oscillated wildly from "Hero Status - Game Complete" to "Hopeless - Terminated" for no apparent reason.

Suddenly, Official Vice-Captain And Skipper-In-Waiting Alastair Cook leapt to his feet.

"Batsmen! Atten-shun!" shouted the leadership material left-hander. "Coach Gooch in the dressing room."

"At ease, Cook," said Coach Gooch. "Right, lads. Now what's the most important thing about batting?"

"Sir! Sir! I know," said Cook. "Sir! Goochie! Pick me. Sir!"

"Pipe down, Alastair," said Coach Gooch. "Let one of the other lads have a chance. So what did we say was rule number one about batting?"

"Is it growing a moustache, sir?" said Stuart Broad.

"No, Broad, it isn't," said Coach Gooch. "And is that what you are trying to achieve on your upper lip?"

"Sir, yes sir," said Broad.

"It's a bit wispy, Broad," said Coach Gooch. "You look like a teenage girl dressing up for a pantomime. See me after batting coaching."

Broad looked upset. Ian Bell raised his hand.

"Mr Goochie, sir," said Bell. "Is the most important thing about batting that it is not how many but how?"

"Sadly not, Belly," said Coach Gooch. "Especially for you."

"Goochie," said Matt Prior. "Is the key to batting all about the excellent properties of your patented hair-restorer product, which can revitalise the scalp and reverse hair loss and is in no way just a tub of engine oil mixed with creamed parsnip, available in all good chemists for a very reasonably priced £59.99 per 100 grams?"

"Excellent question, Prior," said Coach Gooch. "Help yourself to a tub on the way out. But no, a full head of hair is just one important element of batting."

Coach Gooch looked around the room impatiently. Cook waved his arm in the air in a vain bid to answer.

"The most important element of batting," said Coach Gooch, "is practising running laps around the outfield all day shouting, 'David Gower is a work-shy fop.' How many more times do I have to tell you this?"

"Mr Goochie, sir," asked Jonathan Trott.

"Yes, Trott?" asked Coach Gooch.

"Ya, just wondering," asked Trott. "Who is David Gower? And, erm, who are you?"

Alastair Cook leapt up in horror.

"Oh my God, Trotty, like, this is Graham Gooch, who was totally like England's biggest ever run scorer and had totally the nicest Ford Escort in the whole history of Essex County Cricket Club," he said.

"English, eh?" said Trott to Kevin Pietersen. "He's not going to make me bad at cricket, is he?"

"It's definitely a worry, eh bru," said Pietersen sadly. "They rub off on you, see."