Dear Bob...

"Does Shoaib Akhtar smoke?" asks a person on Bob Woolmer's website, suspecting that his constant chest problems stem from there. "Please work on the calling between the wickets," he helpfully adds later. Another wit suggests Woolmer play cards with Shoaib during the India tour so he stays in his room. Someone else announces, "Behold, a bold proposal...", and then goes on to boldly propose that Pakistan should not be a Test-playing nation. But it all ain't one-way traffic. One questions, "What combinition of fast bowling are you looking for in the test matches in indian tour? [Many sics]"

To which Woolmer replies, "The best possible."

Imran Khan has expressed dismay at the recent attempts by vandals to damage pitches, according to Fox Sports.com. Stadiums have stepped up security after vandals entered the Mohali stadium last week and damaged a small portion of the pitch. "Attempts to dig pitches by the extremists to disrupt Pakistan's tour of India and statements calling for cancellation of the tour are disheartening and uncalled for," said Imran. "Fans in Pakistan and India are really hurt over such reports.

"Cricket can further the peace process ... Indian team and spectators were received so warmly last year and people here expect the same in India."

* * *

In a move straight out of left field, the BCCI has announced that it will produce a 15-minute documentary covering the history of Tests between India and Pakistan. However, in keeping with the cricket board's luck in recent times, the venture has run aground because there's no footage from before 1986. But that wouldn't stop them from trying, said Amrit Mathur, the man in charge of communications for the BCCI. He told IANS he was in touch with Doordarshan, among other companies.

Has anyone tried Zee?

* * *

A source revealed to Mid Day the reason behind the Pakistan board's quest for a bowling coach. "Fast bowling is not about sprinting in and throwing that ball at full force," chuckled the mysterious squealer. "It's a science now and you need scientists like Waqar Younis or Wasim Akram..."

And we'd thought they were magicians.

* * *

February 14

Chetan Sharma has nothing to do with this, does he? © AFP

The Indian High Commission has announced that 10,000 visas will be issued to Pakistanis travelling to India for the upcoming series. Preparing the ground for this visit was the RSS, a hardline Hindu political party, which hoped that everyone would overcome narrow politics and reciprocate the affection showered on the Indian team when they toured Pakistan last year. The statement was unexpected because the two parties it is affiliated with announced their displeasure at the Pakistan board's hesitancy to play in Ahmedabad, calling it a "compromise on the prestige and honour of the country" and whatnot.

Meanwhile, the multi-tasking Javed Miandad has one more problem to contend with. After considering taking the PCB to court, slamming Bob Woolmer and then telling an Indian political group that the tour had to go on, he now has the All India Anti-Terrorist Front to deal with. The group issued a press release stating that they would take action if Mianded visited. Why? Visit Google, type 'Miandad + anti-terrorist front' and find out.

* * *

Hindustan Times ushers us into Valentines Day with Sarfraz Nawaz, that delightful man seemingly always in the know, accusing Pakistan of having no plan, vision or preparation before the tour. He predicted that India would steamroller Pakistan within three days on turners with a mix of regular and part-time spinners. Why? Because, said Sarfraz - using his imagination - they had "the habit of finishing a Test in three days". But he feared that Pakistan could suffer a worse fate if Shoaib Akhtar did not take off, for this would leave Danish Kaneria as the sole wicket-taker.

Sarfraz then took aim at Inzamam-ul-Haq, Bob Woolmer and the management, mocking one for refusing to act on the field but doing it in a commercial, and claimed the others' loyalties did not lie with Pakistan. "How would foreigners be interested in Pakistan's progress, they would muster the wealth and go away."

* * *

The battle-scarred Shahid Afridi has professed to Dawn that the Australian tour has hardened him and his team-mates, and this will help them during the Indian tour. Afridi stated that he was keen to earn "honour and glory for the country against the arch rivals", which would only be achieved if the team batted for long periods. Also, in what could be deemed a significant shift in policy towards bowlers, he admitted trying not to hit every ball for a six. This would come as good news to observers who have long stated that Afridi's overt aggression has resulted in untimely dismissals and wasted talent.

But Afridi's frank assessment of his own batting line-up - "we have only two good batsmen in Inzamam and Youhana" - is less likely to be appreciated by the others who, he said, have to "be consistent to help in building the innings".

* * *

Teach me? I'll teach you! © Getty Images

Winning valuable brownie points before the series, Inzamam-ul-Haq was effusive in his praise of Sachin Tendulkar, saying that watching him was educational, and that he expected Tendulkar would play in "the mother of all series" even if he was only half fit. Press Trust of India quoted him as saying, "We have been under Sachin's hammer quite often but I have always enjoyed watching him bat. Each time he bats out there, he teaches you something new. He is a thorough entertainer, a great cricket teacher and a true model for the youngsters."

The gushing stopped when he rushed across the border and donned an outfit that hinted he'd be teaching someone a lesson.

* * *

Sunil Gavaskar, in his weekly column for Mid Day, says nothing beats a contest between India and Pakistan. But what of cricket's other great rivalry, the Ashes? Not even close, says Gavaskar, because "nobody's house gets stoned...and the losers can still go down to the grocery store, but not so in an Indo-Pak series. None of the Ashes contests can match that feeling of fear and insecurity and certainly have none of the intensity that an Indo-Pakistan series has."

While the fear and insecurity provide an added edge to contests between the two countries, players on both sides have expressed dismay at fans' extreme reactions to defeats, saying this puts unnecessary pressure on them to perform. Incidentally, players from both teams claim that they get along famously with each other.

* * *

Inzamam-ul-Haq is scheduled to visit India for a commercial shoot and to offer prayers in Ajmer before the series begins, according to a report in The Times of India. A spokesman for the company that looks after Inzamam's profile in India said, "This is a personal trip but Inzamam will be doing some commercial activities too. It has nothing to do with the coming India-Pakistan series."

Au contraire, it has everything to do with the series. TV watchers, prepare yourself for a barrage of commercials prominently featuring Inzamam. And if Doordarshan broadcasts the series, the product shot will inevitably coincide with the first ball of every over.

* * *

In the same paper, Majid Khan is afraid Pakistan won't be much of an opposition. India get his backing because of their superior consistency - a wily claim that will no doubt stun the Indians with the tour only a fortnight away.

"For the last four years," said Majid, "we have not been able to prepare a team that can consistently win matches. I am afraid Pakistan's chances in Tests and one-dayers don't seem to be bright."

The fact that India have lost four one-dayers on the trot to Pakistan and that a number of Indian players aren't in form counts for very little, it seems.

* * *

"PCB chief assures Inzamam of retaining captaincy for India tour," screams a headline in The Daily News. Beneath it, the ever-popular `source' confides that Inzamam and Shaharyar Khan had a meeting in which Inzi "told the chairman that many of the players were making their debuts in Australia and took their time to adjust to the conditions and against the top opposition."