Beef, turkeys and heaped indignities

Sheepish pose of the week goes to the Olympic and transatlantic rower, James Cracknell, who has been anointed as a "modern-day St George" by the English Beef and Lamb Executive for his charitable endeavours. So far so good. His reward, however, was a chance to pose outside Shakespeare's Globe theatre in London with a plate of alarmingly over-cooked beef, and an even more alarming caricature of Ian "Beefy" Botham and his late-80s abomination of a mullet. "I am a firm believer in celebrating everything that is great about England," explained the real Mr Botham in an accompanying press release.

No rest for the wicked(tless) Poor old Mick Lewis. It's just one indignity after another at present. If he thought that 10-0-113-0 and all that was about as bad as it could get, he had reckoned without the small matter of the Pura Cup final a mere fortnight later. Queensland hurtled to a monstrous 900 for 6 declared, Lewis was dispatched for 156 runs in 39 overs, and Victoria were trounced by a whopping innings and 354 runs. Two days later, New Zealand's Beige Brigade named Lewis as their Player of the Year "for his extraordinary effort to destroy Martin Snedden's worst-bowling-figures-in-an-ODI record", and suggested he should become Adidas' new poster boy - "Impossible is Nothing".

Sticks and stones Tony Greig doesn't strike you as a man who is easily shocked, but even he claimed to be shocked about Australia's latest volley of abuse in their ongoing grudge-fest in South Africa. "I have never heard anything like it, the whole thing is getting out of hand," he said after the TV producers were forced to turn down the stump microphone. "The Aussies love it." According to reports, most of the offence was directed at Andre Nel, who was branded a "soft c***" and a "f****** dil" among other choice remarks. Although it is perhaps just as well that Afrikaans is not widely understood among the international cricket fraternity, given Nel's own highly visible outburst against Adam Gilchrist in the same match.

From bad to worse A wag in the British press corps once said of the 1996 World Cup: "It was a tale of three bads ... Ahmedabad, Faisalabad, and England are bad". To that list he might like to add the unlovely suburb of Faridabad, after the woeful facilities on offer for the second one-day international. The England team didn't bother with a preview of the stadium, after realising they would have to endure a three-hour round trip for the sake of a two-hour practice; the press were hamstrung by an hour-long powercut before the start of play, and the crowd's day was ruined by a police lathi charge that left three people injured, including a five-year old girl. "Faridabad always has such problems," shrugged Niranjan Shah, the secretary of the BCCI, which begs the question ... why on earth is it hosting international cricket?

Happy anniversary Justin Langer - aka "Clanger" - has a peculiar way of marking his landmark Tests. On debut against West Indies in 1992-93, he was felled by a scorching Ian Bishop bouncer; in the 2001 Ashes, his breakthrough century was ended when he ducked into an Andrew Caddick short-ball. And so there was something eerily predictable about the manner of his departure in his 100th Test at Johannesburg. A first-ball bouncer from Makhaya Ntini, a brain-rattling thwack on the helmet, and no further part in the innings. Still, it's all part of the game as far as Langer himself is concerned: "As a five-foot-nothing top-order batsman I have had my fair share of hits on the helmet."

Bharat Globetrotters The Indian cricket team could soon be playing "home" fixtures in venues as outlandish as USA, Canada, Malaysia and Hong Kong, as the BCCI attempt to cash in on the money-spinning potential of their travel-weary stars. "The main objective is to take the game to expats who only get to watch matches on TV," said the chief executive, Lalit Modi. "In the past, we gave away the TV rights. Now we are selling them ourselves." This week, the prospect of extra funds is particularly attractive, after the board were hit with an unexpected US$81million tax bill by the national government. "Exemption was refused in 1997," explained an official, "as the BCCI was not then a notified sports organisation."

Quotehanger "Andre Nel ... idiot. Actions speak louder than words. He's chirped him [Gilchrist] and then gone for 22 in an over. If I was Nel I'd be embarrassed ... look in the mirror and ask yourself a few questions. Have I made an idiot of myself. Have I let down my country? Yes." Alec Stewart does his best schoolmastery impression to tick off South Africa's mouthy fast bowler.